I’m not in a good place with eating right now. I’m actually writing this the day after day 9 because I just couldn’t figure out what I wanted to say about the day, other than it was really hard. I was so frustrated, tempted, overwhelmed…all those things. Just not good. I kept thinking about Christmas and the table of Christmas cookies, the bottles of wine, the meals out with family…all that stuff. I was thinking about why is it really necessary to give up all that stuff, so long as I eat healthy the rest of the time?
I kept going back and forth between that logic, which I truly do believe. I’m not a believer in total restriction, which I know is contrary to Whole30. I believe you can enjoy treats, but in moderation, because you only live once and you want to enjoy it while you’re here. Then, I would think, NO, NOT ME, I don’t have the tool set to do moderation YET. I kept telling myself (rationalizing) that’s why I’m doing Whole30, so I can learn the toolset and break my sugar and snack dependencies. That’s why it’s hard now, because it’s starting to get real. It’s not new anymore, it’s just hard and tough and real. I’m trying to remind myself that ‘this is where the progress starts!’, which helps…a little.
It’s going to be a long week.
Breakfast: 9:15 am, 3 eggs scrambled with ghee and spinach, leftover meatballs, 1/2 avocado. Those red thingys are actually meatballs, even though the picture didn’t really take that well. I only ate about half of them…I was over the meatballs.
Lunch: 12:30 pm, Minestrone soup. This finished up in the crock pot last night around 10:30 (as I was winding down my New Girl marathon), so I put it right in the fridge after getting out (I don’t normally do that, but time wasn’t on my side tonight). When I looked at it this morning, all the fat had risen to the top and solidified. I scooped all that out and got rid of it, but kind of funny.
The afternoon…this is when it got really, really hard. I don’t know why I did this (because I know I’m not strong enough to resist now), but I bought some peanut butter M&Ms to put in my brownies, which I was thinking of bringing in to our work pot-luck holiday lunch this week. All I kept thinking was that they were in the cupboard. I went through absolutely everything else – a bunch of trail mix, a Lara Bar (actually…that’s it). I was kind of hungry, but it was more the ritual I was craving. It was a serious, entrenched ritual craving.
This is when it happened. My boo-boo. I had about 1/4 cup of dark chocolate chips with almond butter. I know it was against protocol. I was so overwhelmed (I think that’s the right word), tired from staying up too late, bored…all the things that drive you to self-sabotage. I literally almost started crying I was so frustrated. THIS IS FOOD!! Why is it so complicated?
I’m not going to re-start my Whole30 (omg, I cannot handle that right now) because I think, in the deep, dark, barely visible, rationale part of my brain, that I’m right where I need to be. That’s why it’s so hard now, because I’m getting out of my comfort zone and being forced to be uncomfortable for a bit. For what I’m trying to accomplish with this program, there’s no sense is starting over now, just as it’s getting good.
I’m also probably not going to make those brownies. I just don’t think I can handle having them around, unsupervised. My boyfriend is coming on Tuesday…maybe I’ll make them then. If he’s here, I’ll be less inclined to snack while he’s here to witness it.
Dinner: 8:30 pm, Tuna salad, right out of the container. I didn’t think I would eat dinner, but I finally got hungry around 8:30. I had made this tuna salad earlier, and it totally hit the spot. I think I’m going to need to make more this week. It had the protein from the chicken, the sweetness from the apple, and a bit of crunch from the walnuts. It was exactly what I needed. No pic, because seriously…it was right out of the Tupperware and I was not in a picture mood.
Something else fueling my frustration…I’m not observing any of the ‘good stuff’ that usually happens on Whole30. My pants still fit the same, my sleep is actually a little worse, my tummy has some issues and I’m having some scale/calorie-counting withdrawal. I feel out-of-control, I think that sums it up. I haven’t counted a calorie in nine days, or stepped on the scale, and it’s bothering me.
I clearly have some stuff to work through.